Disappointment

We've all done it ... disappoint. Wikipedia defines disappointment as "the feeling of dissatisfaction that follows the failure of expectations to manifest." I know (on occasion) I've disappointed my parents, my wife, my kids, my church, my God ... we don't live up to expectations. Sometimes we even disappoint ourselves. We know what we want to do ... need to do ... and we don't measure up. We don't do it.

As we move into Maundy Thursday and then into Good Friday, no doubt there was a lot of disappointment going around. Even knowing God's plan, I can't help but feel that Jesus felt disappointed. Disappointed in Judas, who betrayed him. Disappointed in Peter, James, and John who could not stay awake with him while he prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane. Disappointed in Peter, who denied him three times. Disappointed in the crowd who chose Barabbas. Disappointment is a major theme in Holy Week.

BIT: Yesterday I weighed in for week 18 in my weight loss (I had lost 60 pounds, now just 59). I knew I had made some poor choices this past week. I ate a hamburger at Season's (not just a burger, but a burger with cheese and sauteed onions) and fries ... then I blogged about my Denied Breakfast on Saturday. I missed my first day of not going to the gym (Saturday). I weighed in on Sunday with a 3 pound gain for the week. I worked hard on Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday to get it off. It didn't happen.

I went to The Rush on Wednesday knowing I had gained a pound. In 18 weeks I have not ever gained. Through Christmas ... no gain ... through New Years ... no gain ... through Spring Break in Florida ... no gain.

I had confessed to my trainer, Colemun, that I had gained three pounds on Monday. So, telling him that I had lost two of those pounds by Wednesday ... you would think I would have gotten an "atta boy." Instead, "John, if you'd hit a car with three people in it and you only killed one of them, would that be good news?" [insert knife] While I don't know that I would have been so blunt, it got the point across. It wasn't good news. Whatever excuses I had come up with ... however I wanted to "spin" it ... it was a disappointing week.

BITTER: Disappointment is not what defines us ... No matter who, and how, and how often I've disappointed ... it is not what defines me. Holy Week is a hard week. We look at Jesus and see anguish, fear, choices, sacrifice ... we see denial and disappointment ... it requires us to look at ourselves. Renni Morris, one of our Lay Leaders, shared a quote from a devotional by Robbins Sims at our Church Council meeting on Tuesday, "Holy Week only works, however, if we put ourselves in the thick of it, which involves more than a grim determination to face the worst. It requires courage born of the knowledge that God's sovereign grace surrounds this week and our lives ... There is no time, place, or circumstance beyond which God's grace does not extend."

With Colemun, after my "not good news" confession and his response that I had to get back to business, he didn't bring up the weight gain again during our session (except for a comment during our workout about how much more we had to go toward our goal ... he mentioned that it would have been 10 pounds, but now it was 11 [and turn the knife]). He knows I'm not defined by gaining one pound in week 18 ... that I'm a disappointment (I am his "poster child" or as my wife calls it, his "cash cow").

Thursday and Friday of Holy Week may be focused on a series of disappointments. Our lives may be punctuated by a series of disappointments. Things we've done and things we've left undone abound. But Sunday's coming ... when God's grace and love overcomes whatever disappointments may have defined our lives ... as we accept God's Resurrection power and life, our lives are defined not by what we do ... but by what Christ does for us.

Have a Blessed Holy Triduum.

Denied

It seems like Easter will never get here! I don't know why, but it seems like Lent has lasted forever. I know it is partly because Easter is so late this year. Usually we are scrambling (this is a delayed pun) to recover from Christmas and Advent so we can jump right into Lent.

Each Lent I have tried to do something new (add) to grow spiritually during these 40 days of preparing for Easter, and I try to give up something (deny). This year I have fasted on Thursdays (anyone who knows me knows this is not easy). In years past, I've not made it. This year I believe I did (during the week when I had the Super Moon Flu I did not fast on Thursday)... one more to go. The denial of something I enjoy helps me to connect with the sacrifice that Jesus made for me during this Holy Week (though it doesn't even compare).

Denial has made it seem like a long Lent. I guess the opposite is true of "Time flys when you're having fun" ... Time drags on when you're in Denial (trying to restrain myself from telling the joke that da nile is not just a river in Egypt). Lent is a great time for me ... to reflect ... to learn ... to reconnect to my faith ... but thank God ... Holy Week is here!

BIT: The other "partly" for why my Lent may seem to be dragging also has to do with denial. It has to do with what I've been doing (or perhaps better stated, not been doing) for the last four months. Rather than for spiritual reasons, I have been denied for physical reasons. If you've been following the blog, you know that I have been trying to eat healthier and exercise in order to lose weight. I have lost 60 pounds so far. Since I am the primary food preparer for our family, my family has been (sometimes reluctantly) on the way with me.

One of the traditions in the Brewster house is to have a big breakfast on Saturday morning. Traditionally, this has included eggs, bacon and/or sausage, and biscuits and gravy. This was not going to work ... so, Saturday breakfast, since December, has been modified. Eggs (a good source of protein ... though I usually eat scrambled egg whites) and turkey sausage. Sometimes I fix the kids a biscuit (but if I'm feeling weak ... no, a biscuit for you ... I run a tight kitchen).

Saturday before last, my oldest ... looking at his modified Saturday breakfast of eggs, turkey sausage and biscuits (it was a strong day) ... asked me when we were going to have a "real" breakfast. I knew what he was asking, but told him that this was a "real" breakfast. He responded that he wanted breakfast "like we used to have with meat and biscuits with gravy." I explained that turkey was a meat ... even though I knew what he was talking about. I thought about it ...

GRAVY ... how many calories and fat grams could there be in flour browned in pig grease and doused with milk? I didn't check. This past Saturday ... the Brewster's were denied no longer (though we won't have this every Saturday)!

BITTER: Isn't biscuits and gravy with real sausage and whole eggs scrambled in butter a lot like Easter after a really long Lent? Have a Blessed Holy Week.

Colemun Ricker

I've written about him here on the blog (you can search "Colemun" in the search box to the right to pull up those blogs) ... I've quoted him to our staff at First Farragut ... I've whined about him to my family ... I've talked about him and with him at First Farragut Church (he came and did an interview during worship in the "Get Pumped!" worship series) ... it's a wonder someone hasn't told me to "Shut up already about the Colemun." So, instead of a shut up ... with the advent of The Rush video with VP Rob Rettmann and Colemun ... I wanted to give Colemun a shout out.

I went to The Rush back in December (2010). Having tried everything known to humanity to loose weight, I knew I needed help ... professional help. I'm a Biggest Loser fan. I like to sit on the couch with my bag of Fritos and dip them in Peanunt Butter while watching Jillian kick thier butts. I needed a Jillian (my wife calls Colemun "Jillian" [sorry dude] "So, how was Jillian today?" she asks), and I needed to throw out the Fritos.

God has a way of putting just the right people and events in my life when I need them. God had to really work on this one. From Jill-Marie Weaver, our Children's Director at the time, inviting me to The Rush for a spin class (NEVER went ... thought about that bike seat with 250 pounds ... and my seat ... well, you get the picture ... sorry for that picture) to Stefani Hudson, our Administrative Assistant, telling me every time I complained, "You need to go to The Rush!" over and over, lead me to Colemun.

Colemun was the right person. It is not an easy feat to go from a couch potato to losing nearly 60 pounds and fitting into a t-shirt you wore in college in 1990 (Colemun is barred from 1990 jokes), all in just 4 months. I had vacations, Christmas, New Years, and generally just bad weeks during this time. I needed to be inspired, challenged, and motivated. Colemun is a huge part of my success. Not only did he teach me how to do the exercises I needed to do to reach my goal (correctly -- he's smart that way), he didn't hurt me .. well, he did hurt me, and on several occasions (one of which I blogged about) ... he didn't injure me (we're still working on ninja feet). And the temporary pain has really paid off.

So ... thanks to The Rush ... thanks to Colemun (we still have some more work to do). I highly recommend both!


BIT: As for The Rush video ... the day after recording that ... my facebook post was "Hubris is painful." I really pushed it so that I wouldn't look goofy. That "Easter Bunny Burpee" (jump, burpee, pushup -- I rename some of the exercises) didn't look ANYWHERE near like that until the camera came out. And, the sliders with the pushups on the balls ... it COMPLETELY collapsed the first time ... but when the camera came out ... I was a rock star. Yes, Colemun + Rob and his Video Camera + John's Pride = SORE abs and legs.