Disappointment

We've all done it ... disappoint. Wikipedia defines disappointment as "the feeling of dissatisfaction that follows the failure of expectations to manifest." I know (on occasion) I've disappointed my parents, my wife, my kids, my church, my God ... we don't live up to expectations. Sometimes we even disappoint ourselves. We know what we want to do ... need to do ... and we don't measure up. We don't do it.

As we move into Maundy Thursday and then into Good Friday, no doubt there was a lot of disappointment going around. Even knowing God's plan, I can't help but feel that Jesus felt disappointed. Disappointed in Judas, who betrayed him. Disappointed in Peter, James, and John who could not stay awake with him while he prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane. Disappointed in Peter, who denied him three times. Disappointed in the crowd who chose Barabbas. Disappointment is a major theme in Holy Week.

BIT: Yesterday I weighed in for week 18 in my weight loss (I had lost 60 pounds, now just 59). I knew I had made some poor choices this past week. I ate a hamburger at Season's (not just a burger, but a burger with cheese and sauteed onions) and fries ... then I blogged about my Denied Breakfast on Saturday. I missed my first day of not going to the gym (Saturday). I weighed in on Sunday with a 3 pound gain for the week. I worked hard on Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday to get it off. It didn't happen.

I went to The Rush on Wednesday knowing I had gained a pound. In 18 weeks I have not ever gained. Through Christmas ... no gain ... through New Years ... no gain ... through Spring Break in Florida ... no gain.

I had confessed to my trainer, Colemun, that I had gained three pounds on Monday. So, telling him that I had lost two of those pounds by Wednesday ... you would think I would have gotten an "atta boy." Instead, "John, if you'd hit a car with three people in it and you only killed one of them, would that be good news?" [insert knife] While I don't know that I would have been so blunt, it got the point across. It wasn't good news. Whatever excuses I had come up with ... however I wanted to "spin" it ... it was a disappointing week.

BITTER: Disappointment is not what defines us ... No matter who, and how, and how often I've disappointed ... it is not what defines me. Holy Week is a hard week. We look at Jesus and see anguish, fear, choices, sacrifice ... we see denial and disappointment ... it requires us to look at ourselves. Renni Morris, one of our Lay Leaders, shared a quote from a devotional by Robbins Sims at our Church Council meeting on Tuesday, "Holy Week only works, however, if we put ourselves in the thick of it, which involves more than a grim determination to face the worst. It requires courage born of the knowledge that God's sovereign grace surrounds this week and our lives ... There is no time, place, or circumstance beyond which God's grace does not extend."

With Colemun, after my "not good news" confession and his response that I had to get back to business, he didn't bring up the weight gain again during our session (except for a comment during our workout about how much more we had to go toward our goal ... he mentioned that it would have been 10 pounds, but now it was 11 [and turn the knife]). He knows I'm not defined by gaining one pound in week 18 ... that I'm a disappointment (I am his "poster child" or as my wife calls it, his "cash cow").

Thursday and Friday of Holy Week may be focused on a series of disappointments. Our lives may be punctuated by a series of disappointments. Things we've done and things we've left undone abound. But Sunday's coming ... when God's grace and love overcomes whatever disappointments may have defined our lives ... as we accept God's Resurrection power and life, our lives are defined not by what we do ... but by what Christ does for us.

Have a Blessed Holy Triduum.